


The dream.

by sebtacularvettel



Category: Formula 1 RPF
Genre: M/M, just sum different
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-01-10
Updated: 2019-05-08
Packaged: 2019-10-07 23:59:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,995
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17375675
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sebtacularvettel/pseuds/sebtacularvettel
Summary: Sebastian remembers the day he first met him. He heard about him, everyone heard about Lewis Hamilton.





	1. I

**Author's Note:**

> well hello my co-captains i guess idk fellow sewis shippers or lovers here is something knew that yeah idk i just felt like writing it isn't really fluff so sorry but i hope you enjoy

Sebastian remembers the day he first met him. He heard about him, everyone heard about Lewis Hamilton. He remembers the warmth of the long fingers that were holding his hand as they shook hands. 

"I'm Lewis." The British accent on his tongue was distinguishable, just as was the thick German accent on Sebastian's tongue.

"I'm Sebastian." 

He will remember that gap between his teeth appearing with a sweet smile, Sebastian thought.

Sebastian remembers racing him in Formula 3. He remembers the race fights they had, the hope in the brown eyes that never seemed to die down. He remembers the nights they shared, talking about their dreams. Becoming a Formula One World Champion was always the dream. Sebastian sometimes plays back their talks from those nights in his head. The hint of sureness in Lewis' voice whenever he talked about becoming a Champion stayed with Sebastian. 

He knew the fight was between Felipe and Lewis, everyone did. For a moment Sebastian forgot all those late night talks while overtaking Lewis in Brazil. You always fight for the highest position and Sebastian wasn't going to just trail behind Lewis. He didn't know what position Lewis needed to win the championship. Crossing the finish line Sebastian was curious.

"Who won it?"

"Hamilton did. On the last lap, in the last corner."

Sebastian then remembered the sureness. The sureness those words held that were spoken late at night. Flashes were everywhere, cameramen were going crazy trying to capture every moment. The world wanted to know how it felt to be a new champion. They wanted to see how it feels. They wanted to see how it looks when the fact settles in the newly crowned champion's mind. Sebastian caught a glimpse of the British flag in the crowd, a smile forming on his face.

"Congratulations. You achieved the dream."

"It feels unreal, man. It feels like I am dreaming all of this and we're just a couple of kids with bad haircuts in Formula 3."

The next time Lewis' voice played back in Sebastian's head was after he lost the title in 2009. There was a lingering question in his mind. Could this possibly be the last time in a while that he would have a chance to win the championship? Even worse. Could've this been his last chance? He didn't know. Shit changes in F1 just like the weather. But then the calming and confident voice appeared. Sebastian then knew that mourning the loss won't help the future. He was going to win the next one. Even if he was to be the only person in his team pushing to win a race, pushing to win the championship. He will do it. He did just that.

He can still feel the emotions of that day. He can feel the champagne soaking in his hair, the liquid flowing on his face and down his neck, storing itself in his blue overalls. The sight of the smile that Sebastian has always carried with himself was right there, once again aimed at him. 

"Does it feel unreal?"

"It feels like a dream and that the reality is that we are just a couple of kids with bad haircuts in Formula 3."

"We've still got the haircuts but now we've both felt how it feels to be on top of the world."

Sebastian's overalls stayed blue, Lewis' stayed white but missed the red. His car stayed silver but it was missing the red. Lewis had one championship, Sebastian had three. Lewis congratulated him on each one. Sebastian in the meantime ignored some of the comments Lewis made on the side, he also tried to ignore the closeness Nico and Lewis had. 

It was always there. Back in the day when someone mentioned Lewis' name they always mentioned Nico, his rival but a close friend.

Sebastian was ignoring it. He was fully focused on winning his 4th championship. His feelings were buried down just as they were in the 2008 Brazil race. 

Surprisingly, most drivers showed up to the after party…including Lewis. Once again Sebastian was ignoring him. Actually not fully ignoring him. He knew where in the room Lewis was but he was pretending that he is ignoring him because had they locked their eyes on each other while Sebastian was in the tipsy state it definitely would've been a disaster.

Taking in a sharp breath, Sebastian shivered as his sweaty body was hit with the cold air. Running a hand through his platinum blonde hair, he looks up into the sky and the panorama of the asleep city. The reason he was here was to avoid getting fully drunk. He hates getting drunk. Tipsy is fine. He can still have function of most of the parts of his brain. Mostly the one that stops him from doing dumb shit. Which in this case would be going up to Lewis, especially when he is with Nico and some other drivers. 

"Congrats."

Sebastian didn't have to turn around to know who it was. Looking down, a small smile appears on his face.

"Thank you."

Lewis slowly walks to where Sebastian was standing near the balcony rails, holding onto it with one of his hands, the other being occupied with a drink.

"How does it feel?"

Sebastian takes a deep breath in and exhales. "It still feels unreal but I guess we will never again be those kids in Formula 3 with awful haircuts."

"That's true. We change with the seasons and with the cars...I guess…I would just like to know how it feels to win 4 championships."

"When you do it you'll probably feel different than I do now."

"How do you even know if I'll win another championship?" Lewis gives him a questioning look.

Sebastian looks into the brown eyes, smirking. "I just know."

A moment passes. A moment of silence that at the same time they welcomed but dreaded it, every second of it. Curiously, Sebastian asks breaking the silence: "How is Nico?"

Confusion was written all over Lewis' face. "He's fine. Why you ask?"

"Nothing special. Just wondered. I saw you were with him in there. I can't possibly be better company than him." Sebastian looks towards Lewis' face that was graced by the moonlight. 

"You shouldn't worry about that. You're better company than most people. Tipsy or not!" He adds.

Sebastian looks away, busying his eyes with looking at buildings, anything that wouldn't make him get lost looking into a pair of brown eyes. "You should probably go back, Nico must be searching for you."

"Why are you trying to push me away?" He can feel Lewis' eyes on him. Boring his eyes into the side of his face, eyes that Sebastian desperately wants to look at. Wants to get lost in them and never return. Wants to pour his soul out to them and to see them react so wondrously, just like they did when he won the championship that humid day in 2008. But…

There is always a but. A but that will stop any rational thinking because this life isn't just his anymore. He tries to keep it, yes. He tries to go home to his girlfriend and daughter and forget all the shit that is always going on. To forget whatever words left his tongue that week that could, if not thought of right, cause a stir. To go home and forget the feelings that are there. For a long time he tried to fight them. He suppressed them when they needed to be, he tried acting on them but with different people, thinking it will go away. They never did. They are still here and dying to get out but they just can't! He keeps them only to himself because that minimizes any chance of getting out. A thought of a rumour let alone a mere speculation, frightens him.

"I want to be alone, Lewis. I just won a championship can I just think through everything without interruptions!?"

He hears a smull murmur and then footsteps. Sebastian knows this is the last time he will probably see Lewis in months. He already missed the smell of him, his presence that always filled the room and the space that the atoms of air specifically made for him. He wasn't even thinking when he smashed the glass in his hand onto the railing. The feeling of a warm, thin liquid on his palm didn't stop his thoughts. How the hell will he get through this. The urge to touch the man that wears Mercedes overalls that contrast his dark skin is growing impatient, hidden in his nerves. He fears that, one day, his control over the feelings will be beaten by the small, quirky dragons in his heart and set themselves free. When they do that, there is no turning back. That creeps the fear into his bones. 

Pain shots through his hand. The nerves filled with the urge have now been attacked. The remains of alcohol on the glass got into his cuts and stung. Clenching his hand, he sees a huge drop of blood trail down his skin. He felt the enormous pain but in his mind it was punishment for everything. For fucking everything since Formula 3. For every feeling, every word and every action that brought him closer to someone he told himself isn't to be his.


	2. II

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> a long time no see but i am still here lads cheers i hope you all enjoy this chapter

Scars. They tell a story, be they small or invisible to most people's prying eyes. His cuts healed well, you can barely notice them at this point. With every trace of his fingers, Sebastian could feel them. They weren't on the outside of his skin, they were on the inside. It was probably the most dumb thing he did…ever. He can still remember those eyes that he loved so much, looking at him and trailing to his bloody hand. 'Til this day Sebastian cannot decide if he saw worry in Lewis' eyes. Everything happened so quickly and everyone was a blur. He was rushed to the nearest hospital, never telling anyone what truly happened. Not even to the person that was the cause and the reason why.

The new season starting was a good distraction for his never silent thoughts. Sometimes the thoughts would get so invasive that he would anticipate baby cries to distract them. To be occupied by calm thoughts. The existence of his daughter was like a poison, a short lived posion for his long lived thoughts.

Sebastian was seeking for change. He turned to his dreams of driving for Ferrari. A welcomed intrusion into his mind. He tried his best he could to adapt to the new era of cars but the possibility of driving for Ferrari took most of his attention. The car wasn't to his liking, he achieved as much as he could with Red Bull and he was to drive for Ferrari next season.

He didn't congratulate Lewis the day he won the championship or the day after. Abu Dhabi wasn't a place where he would like to be in space alone with Lewis and only option being to talk everything out. Sebastian still thought there was nothing to be talked about. He didn't want to be reminded of 'the incident'. The thing is Sebastian didn't know if Lewis wanted to ask him about it or if him getting too comfortable whilst they have a talk would lead Lewis into bringing it up but that was something Sebastian swore he wouldn't risk. Instead they had a few exchanged words here and there. If it was a press conference Sebastian would bear through it, crack a few jokes and leave Lewis and Nico to exchange the harsh words they tried hard to keep in but nowadays even the podiums were a rarity. Not that Sebastian minded it, of course he wanted to win, but all the attention was on the Mercedes and this rivalry between Lewis and Nico whilst his attention was towards Ferrari. Whenever the rivalry was brought up Sebastian would roll his eyes, it didn't interest him whatever that thing was. Though he couldn't not notice Lewis being much more tense, mostly around Nico.

Another focus was his younger teammate getting a few wins. Sebastian was glad for him. As much as he wanted the wins, at the beginning he realized they weren't his to win. 

It was few days after he visited the Ferrari garage and met everyone at Ferrari. It was a done deal but his happiness would always get questioned by the little demon in his head, reminding him that he did not congratulate Lewis. It always led to Sebastian fumbling with his phone. Playing with it in his hands whilst having a debate in his head on the topic if he should text Lewis and congratulate him. Sebastian wasn't a big fan of phones. He wouldn't have one had his job not required it but right now this distance between him and Lewis was welcomed. The idea of telling him something, letting him know what was on his mind, using words to describe his feelings and put out an opinion and his thoughts while not having the ability to meet the brown eyes, smell and feel Lewis' presence felt…good. It felt like relief. 

'Congrats on your championship.'

Sebastian wondered where Lewis was. Would the notification of his message and the light that fights the darkness wake him up? What if he was in Monaco or anywhere partying away his 2nd title? Maybe he was already preparing to have a chance at winning his 3rd?

'Thanks.'

The three jumping dots in the little message bubble showed up, Sebastian watched them. He was holding a breath in and his heart was in a rushed pace, only to realize that the three jumping dots have disappeared and with them his anticipation. Sebastian didn't know what he was anticipating. He doesn't know what Lewis was writing, he doesn't know what Lewis wanted him to know. It could've been anything but it could've been something. Maybe, he thinks, had Lewis sent those forbidden words, even if I didn't know how to reply, maybe it would've fed my prying thoughts and my aching heart.

Malaysia. Crossing the finnish line was one of the most emotional moments in Sebastian's life. Crossing the finish line first in the red car. The adrenaline was jumping through Sebastian's bloodstream. Only after the anthems did he notice Lewis. 

"Congrats on the win. You did better than us today."

Sebastian lets out a nervous breath. "Thank you."

Us. Now Sebastian noticed Nico too. Sebastian sits down on the podium step, Lewis follows him and sits next to him.

"I just need a moment."

Lewis' lips stretch into a smile, nodding. 

Sebastian looked up at the sky. He wasn't the most religious person but right now he was thanking everyone including God for letting him finally taste this feeling. Sebastian was fumbling with the microphone unconsciously, his mind being on cloud nine. Looking down, Sebastian could tell Lewis' head was turned to him. Soon he noticed Lewis' eyes were focused on the barely noticeable scars on his palm. Moving his hands as to cover something that he was ashamed of, he sees Lewis looking away. Suddenly there was this tension between them that could be cut with a knife.

"You know," Lewis starts, "I would like us to talk."

Sebastian could tell he was nervous because he was nervous too. Lewis was playing with the microphone, his leg bouncing. They couldn't look at each other's faces, let alone let their eyes meet. 

"I don't think we have anything to talk about."

It was Lewis' turn to have the podium interview. Sebastian wipes his sweaty palms on his overalls, feeling the fabric go over the scars, filling out each gap in his skin. 

Russia. Sebastian could feel the adrenaline in his bloodstream, this time it was paired with champagne. He could deal with being tipsy but for some reason it felt like it was a bit more than tipsy. He got his confirmation when he jokingly blurted out Lewis' hotel room number. 

"What are you talking about?" Lewis asked inbetween little laughs.

Sebastian knew Lewis' hotel room number but Lewis didn't know that Sebastian knew. Sebastian always knew his hotel room number. It was a sense of comfort. That room was also off limits.

A fuck up! That is what that was. Exactly the fuck up that Sebastian did not need.


	3. III

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Idk how I feel about this one but I guess we'll see. Hope you enjoy it.

To say Sebastian was nervous was an understatement. He didn't know what to expect. Should he expect Lewis at his door or will it happen in the morning? If he were to choose it would be the right now option because the 'in the morning' option would mean a sleepless night.

Even though he awaited a knock every second, the moment he heard the sound of knuckles hitting the wooden door his whole body stopped. Taking a deep breath in, Sebastian opens the door. He was met by a casually dressed Lewis, his face painted with a very serious expression. Sebastian was yet to get used to the platinum blonde hair Lewis was sporting.

The tension was there and it didn't need a very smart person to realize that they have created it themselves. This needed to be done and dusted with a long time ago. Sebastian feels that fear of his own feelings bubbling up again in him. Slowly closing the door, Sebastian sees Lewis walk to the huge balcony glass doors. He wasn't going out to the balcony but rather just looking at the outlines of different buildings. Lewis' hands were in his sweatpants pockets, it looked like he was guarding himself from something or rather someone. Guess they weren't so different after all.

Not having the guts to walk closer to Lewis, Sebastian stays behind, a distance between them. They always used it to help them hide. Even now when that distance has shortened from kilometers to a few meters, they still try to hide, not realizing how useless it is. 

Sebastian looked at his own reflection on the glass, bitterly laughing at himself on the inside at how miserable he looked. Lewis didn't look any better. He looked tired, certain lines on his face that looked new, his face pale, washed of any lively colour. What have they done to themselves, Sebastian thinks.

Lewis eyes meet the reflection of Sebastian's eyes. The glass showing them how miserable they actually looked. 

"I am tired of this Sebastian. You feel like a stranger at this point. Sometimes it feels like I know strangers even more than you but how could I forget the past? What do I have to do for us to get back?"

Sebastian sighs. Slowly shaking his head, he looks at the floor, an ironic laugh leaving his throat. 

"Lewis, can't you see we've changed and we cannot go back to whatever that was."

Lewis turns around to look at him and Sebastian is met with a sad expression on his face. He felt shitty. He never wanted to see Lewis' beautiful eyes be so overwhelmed with sadness.

"What hurts the most is that you slowly drifted away from me. Each year and season you pushed me away more and more. That hurt me more than all the snarky comments Nico throws at me." Sebastian had nothing to say. Lewis moves closer and takes Sebastian's hand, he knows exactly which one has the scars. The scenes from Abu Dhabi still carved in their minds. 

"Why?" Lewis breaths out that one simple word. A simple word that has a complicated answer. He tries to look into Sebastian's eyes but the German keeps averting his gaze. Lewis repeated himself, his voice almost breaking. He needed those ocean blue eyes to look into his. 

It's pathetic. All these years they thought their actions only hurt themselves not realizing how much they made the other hurt.

"I don't know." 

It was now Lewis's turn to let an ironic laugh seep out over his tongue and teeth.

"You don't know. Then how the hell am I supposed to know. I feel so helpless and confused. So many times I just wanted to enjoy your company but was only met with a fact that you can't even look at me anymore. You can't stand next to me or give me a slight touch. I've always questioned what I did wrong. What could've I done wrong?"

"You didn't do anything wrong, Lewis."

"Then, please, just tell me the reason." Lewis's words said with as much emotion as possible. Everything that was kept in was slowly creeping out.

"I- I can't look at you in the fear that I will get too lost in your eyes that hold so much wonder and risk my feelings being shown. I can't stand next to you or give you a slight touch because it will make me miss the warmth I cannot hold on to. I cannot have you, Lewis."

Sebastian's hands were slightly shaking, his eyes breaking the contact with Lewis's. Soon he felt Lewis's soft hand sliding into his, feeling the scars, making them feel the warmth that he longed for. His other hand guiding Sebastian's head, so their eyes meet.

"I know you, Seb. I want you to know that you mean a lot to me, more than many people in my life."

As much time as Lewis had to actually think through why this was happening, for some reason, in his mind this was never a reason. His thought was that Sebastian figured his feelings out and started drifting away from him because he didn't feel the same. Lewis blamed himself all along because in his previous relationships he was always the one to be blamed for everything to a point that he would blame himself. It wasn't easy in his non-championship winning years. Often times he would not eat, punishing himself for not winning. One person that he longed for, that he thought could made him feel better was hiding his feelings. 

The realization hit them both. They starved themselves of something both of them wanted. Something they needed. They always felt like they knew the other. They were in a sport in which you did not have time to doubt but in their lives the doubt accompanied each of their thoughts about the other. Doubt made them drift apart, doubt made them shield and try to protect themselves from harm they anticipated that only came from them upon themselves. 

"I did this-", Lewis's hand never left his scarred one, "I mean I didn't do it on purpose, I didn't even know I was doing it until I felt this pinge of pain. It was almost like my heart wanted something else to accompany it's own pain. I guess it felt lonely just like I did. I don't blame you. I blame myself. I pushed you away. I drifted away and only now do I realize it was the wrong thing to do."

"That night…that night I wanted to hug you so much. I know it's a weird thought but I felt so happy for you and you winning the championship that I wanted to engulf you into this big hug. I wish I did, maybe it wouldn't have made you do that."

"Maybe. Our lives are full of possibilities that we will never know about, some of them will pass by us and never look back. Others will get us to a moment when we do the right thing."

"I love those moments. I like to wave at them as they pass by."

"Did you just quote Jack Sparrow?" Sebastian looks at Lewis with an amused look on his face.

"It's Captain Jack Sparrow to you." A smirk appears on Lewis's face.

Lewis takes Sebastian's hand, leading him to the bed to sit on something comfortable and talk everything out. They came to a conclusion that they'll be alright.

**Author's Note:**

> kudos and comments always appreciated love ya all ❤❤❤❤❤


End file.
